vibrant life

exhaling now...

"Glorify the Lord with me; let us exalt His name together."
Psalm 34:3

Meghan's oncologist contacted us to let us know that the bone scan showed no evidence of disease in Meghan's bones.  We are so very relieved and grateful for this news!  Please continue to pray that the cancer removed from her lung was completely isolated and that the next chest CT in 2 months will be clear!  Over the last two years we got used to saying that Meghan was in remission and we hope to be able to go back to using that terminology again soon!  It will be a temptation to worry over the next few months after this recent setback so please pray that we can set aside our anxious feelings and completely trust God with the perfect plans He has for Meghan's future.  Thank you all for your support, encouragement, and prayers - God has blessed us richly!

 

waiting for scan results...

Just wanted to give a little update for those checking...  Meghan had her full body bone scan Friday night.  We are still waiting for the results.  The weekend was a little rough for her.  She has not been sleeping well and is overly exhausted.  She is still very sore and uncomfortable.  I had hoped that she would be able to go back to school today, but she is just not ready yet.  She is feeling apprehensive about getting caught up on her schoolwork so specific prayers for that worry would be appreciated! 

We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield.
In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name.
May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD,
even as we put our hope in you.
Psalm 33:20-22

volleyball awards celebration...

  I am very happy to report that Meghan made it to her volleyball awards celebration / ice cream social tonight!  She slept all day and popped a couple vicodin beforehand so she actually did really well.  We are so proud of her and how well she played this season.  She worked really hard to overcome the limitations that her arm poses for her.  She even learned to spike and serve overhand with her left arm (she is naturally right-handed but has the allograft/bone transplant in her right arm).  She received an award tonight for "most improved player."  Way to go Meghan!!

On the schedule for tomorrow:  more rest and full body bone scan.... KEEP PRAYING!!

there's (really, truly) no place like home...

We were able to bring Meghan home late this afternoon.  It always feels so good to have everybody back under one roof.  We had a nice family dinner (Lauren, Eric and Addison were able to join us as well) and now everybody is settling down and getting ready for bed.  Meghan is doing well - still in a fair amount of pain with soreness and the itchy rash.  She had to leave the dinner table tonight because we were laughing at Addison and it hurt for her to laugh. :)  She won't be at school for the rest of the week but is still hoping to maybe make an appearance at her end-of-season volleyball award ceremony and icecream party tomorrow night.  We'll just have to wait and see how she is doing by then.  I know it means a lot to her so I hope that she can manage a short outing.  Please keep praying for a clear bone scan Friday!   

day 5...

The chest tube and epidural came out this afternoon - yeah!!!  Unfortunately the pain is a little worse now that they are switching her over to oral pain meds so please pray that they can find a good mix that manages the pain well.  The bad rash that developed on her back is still an issue as well.  Her nurses, oncologist, the anethesiology team, the surgery team, and a dermatologist have all looked at it and seem to have differing opinions.  They have her on IV benadryl to help with the horrible itching and two different topical steroid creams to help bring down the blistering and inflammation.  It seems to be improving slightly so hopefully it will keep moving in that direction.  More than anything, Meghan just wants to be able to go home so pray that there will be no more issues or complications!  They are keeping her overnight again, but we are really hoping perhaps tomorrow we'll get the ok to go home.  Her full body bone scan has been scheduled for Friday night.  We are fervently praying that the scan will come back clear, but resting in God's sovereign plan.

pathology results...

We have the pathology results back.... and yes, the spot removed was osteosarcoma.  The next step will be the full body bone scan which will be scheduled for sometime in the coming week.  They want to make sure nothing else is showing up.  If that scan comes back clean then we will follow a "wait and see" approach.  She will have CT scans of her chest every 2 months for awhile to watch for any other spots.  Dr. Mitchell, Meghan's oncologist, was very hopeful and positive that this looks to be a very isolated incident.  The pathologist referred to the tumor as looking "bland" meaning that it did not look like it was actively growing or dividing.  Meghan was relieved to not have to consider chemo right now and it makes the discomfort, pain, and inconvenience she is experiencing right now because of the surgery seem worthwhile in that it removed the cancer.  We are thankful that they caught this early and have hopefully prevented it from growing or spreading.  Please pray for a clear bone scan and for this to indeed be an isolated incident.  Pray for us to rest completely in God's sovereign plan and to "not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself." 

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition,
with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends
all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:6-7

You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. 
Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock eternal.  Isaiah 26:3-4

 

day 4 recovery...

God didn't promise days without pain,
laughter without sorrow,
nor sun without rain.
But He did promise strength for the day,
comfort for the tears,
and light for the way.

Meghan is still inpatient and still has the chest tube and epidural :(  The xray this morning still showed a small pocket of air collecting.  They have taken the chest tube off of suction and will x-ray again tomorrow morning to see it the air has increased or resolved itself.  We are really hoping that the chest tube can come out tomorrow.  Once that is out they can take out the epidural and switch her to oral pain meds which will allow her to go home.  Another complication that has developed is a terrible rash on her back which is extremely itchy and has also starting blistering and oozing a bit.  The doctors are still trying to figure out what is causing that and how best to treat it.  With these "setbacks" it is hard to Meghan not to feel discouraged so please pray specifically for her spirits.  We are also still waiting for the pathology report....  waiting is hard, but we continue to completely trust God with the results!  I will post again as soon as we know.  Thank you again for all your prayers!

sunday morning setback...

Meghan's xray this morning showed a small leak in the lung so they are putting her back on suction and keeping the chest tube in an extra day.  Please pray that the leak will resolve on its own.  Meghan is also feeling more pain today since they are turning down the morphine pump and slowly switching her over to oral pain meds.  She is a little apprehensive about losing the epidural pain relief (especially after 2 different doctors each separately referred to thoracotomy surgery as "the most painful surgery to recover from").  Please continue to pray for her recovery and for good pain management.  Also for continued patience with being here longer than we wanted and with waiting for the pathology results (hopefully tomorrow).  We so appreciate all the prayers and support we have received this far and thank the Lord for blessing us with such a great support system around us.  Meghan is ok with visitors today :)

Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace,
that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need. 
Hebrews 4:16

We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. 
It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where Jesus,
who went before us, has entered on our behalf.  Hebrews 6:19-20

day 2 recovery...

Meghan is doing well today - tired and sore, but in good spirits.  She has ok'd visitors for today.  We are on 7 South (Pediatric Hem/Onc Unit) at Spectrum Downtown (Helen De Vos Children's Hospital).  Because some people have asked, I need to let you know that they do not allow visitors with colds, sniffles, etc.. and they also do not allow any fresh flowers, plants, or latex balloons on the floor.  Feel free to call Michael's or my cell phone if you have any questions.

recovery and waiting...

Meghan has been out a surgery awhile now and is just getting settled into her room on 7 South (her old stomping grounds).  The surgery went very well and they were able to remove the spot (pea-sized) along with a good margin surrounding it from her left lung.  We won't receive the results of the pathology testing until Monday.  Currently Meghan's pain is very manageable as they gave her an epidural along with a morphine pump.  She has a chest tube for drainage and this will be in for probably 2 days at which time they will try taking her off the epidural and switch over to oral pain meds.  For those interested, the technical terminology for the surgery she had is a left thoracotomy with resection of the left lower lobe nodule - say that 5 times really fast :)!  For today we are limiting visitors to immediate family, but we'll let people know if she feels up to more than that tomorrow.  Please continue to pray that she can recover quickly and with minimal pain.  Pray for patience as we wait for the pathology results.  Above all, please pray that we continue to trust in the Lord and His perfect sovereign plan.

surgery scheduled...

Meghan's surgery is scheduled for tomorrow morning (Friday, Oct 29) at 10:20 am.  She'll be at Helen De Vos Children's Hospital (Spectrum downtown) for the surgery and recovery.  We've been told that the surgery will last about 3 hours and she'll need to be inpatient 3-4 days to recover.  We are choosing to trust God completely no matter what the outcome.  Please pray that the surgery goes well.  Pray for patience as we wait to see God's plan unfold.  Pray that Meghan will be able to do her post-op recovery on the pediatric oncology floor (those are the docs and nurses that she knows and loves so we're hoping they'll have room on that floor for her).  Pray for Rileigh and Aidan - they are having a particularly hard time with this latest turn of events.  Pray for a quick recovery (Meghan has an end-of-season volleyball awards ceremony and party next week Thursday night and she's really determined not to miss it - as her big sister Lauren said, "I praise God for her stubborn spirit!" :)  We will keep you posted regarding whether or not Meghan will feel up to visitors following surgery.  Thank you for all the prayers and encouragement we have already received.  Our God is faithful and hears the cries of His people!

If we put our faith in the power of God, we may be disappointed,
because God may choose to use His power in a way we wouldn't choose.

If we put our faith in the sovereignty of God,
we will never be disappointed, because God never makes mistakes.

-Oswald Chambers

Something a dear friend shared...

 

A Reluctant Greeting

I haven't posted on this blog in over a year... sorry about that for those of you who still check in regularly.  It's been a really good year - busy and exciting and I kept meaning to post here and let you all know how great things were for everyone....

Sadly instead I am now updating because we are once again in dire need of extra prayers for Meghan.

3 years ago we sent a prayer request for (then 11 year old) Meghan  when a mass  found in her right arm was diagnosed as cancer.  The whirlwind year of appointments and doctors and surgeries and treatment was overwhelming.  Our amazing families, friends, church family, and even those we had never met immediately surrounded us with a flood of prayers and continued to support, encourage, and rally around us throughout that trial.  At the beginning of this month we were praising God for Meghan's 14th birthday and 2 year remission anniversary.  Sadly her routine 6 month scans from yesterday show that we are again in need of a flood of prayers.  Meghan's scan shows a small spot on her left lung (about the size of a paper punch).  The spot appears to be calcified which would indicate that it is likely osteosarcoma.  (Osteosarcoma is most likely to recur in the initial location or the lungs - when it metastasizes it is usually to the lungs first.)  Her oncologist talked with Michele today and the first thing that needs to happen is surgery to remove the spot and biopsy it.  They will also be ordering a full body bone scan and a pet scan to get a better picture of what else might be happening in the rest of her body.  In the best case scenario, the spot could be benign and the other scans clear.  The next best scenario is that if the spot is osteosarcoma but the rest of the scans come back clear, they will consider this very isolated and removal and close monitoring will be the protocol (in other words, not immediately jumping back into chemo).  We haven't gotten past this point yet and are truly taking this one thing at a time.  While this was obviously not news we ever wanted to hear, we ultimately place our trust and hope in the Lord.  He has ordained this - whether it be a minor bump in the road or something more.  Please pray that we will be strong in our faith as we face this new trial.  Pray that none of us (especially Meghan) gives in to the temptation to fear or rail against God.  Pray for strength, comfort, peace.  Pray for Meghan as she faces yet another surgery and recovery.  She will likely have the surgery Friday morning at Helen De Vos Children's Hospital (we are waiting for final scheduling details) and will stay in the hospital for 3 to 4 days.  We will be re-instating the use of this blog to keep everyone updated. 

Some verses that we claimed early on in our journey still remain what we cling to today:

Isaiah 43:1-3  Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are mine.  When you pass through the waters I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you; when you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.  For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

Hebrews 10:23  Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.

Resting in His promises,
Michele (for the Haan family)

*************************************************************************************************************************************

                    This photo was taken last June - the evening of Meghan's 8th grade graduation

 

Something that I meant to share here a while back... Meghan wrote something about her journey through cancer and its lasting effects on her arm and spirit.  It is moving and beautiful to me and with her permission I am sharing it with you as well...

From Meghan - June 2010

My wing is pinned to my side and holds me down to the pavement when I yearn to take flight.  I am broken.  I try to soar but am knocked down by gravity.  I am in repair but will never truly mend.  I will fly but never high.  I will sing but not loudly.  And yet my torn wing will still be sewn back together, although with jagged edges for I am imperfect.  But I will still love, live, praise and rejoice for it is just my shell that has been damaged.  Mending a broken body is easily accomplished, but mending a broken soul is not near as light a burden.  For while my body was breaking, my soul was strengthening.  While my body was disintegrating, my soul was thriving and blossoming in spiritual beauty.  So I will live with a broken shell, fly a little lower, and sing a little softer but my soul is rejoicing for a life to live, a song to sing, and wings to soar with.  I was cut up and taped back together unevenly, but I am still soaring and singing.  I am still alive and my soul is still strong.  Even with my flaws and scratches I am still forgiven and saved but only by grace that was generously and willingly given.  By no right have I gained this and I rejoice for in my weakness I find strength.  In my sin His grace abounds all the more.

prayer request...

Wow... it's been a really long time.  I definitely need to put an update up about life here in the Haan household!  I will tell you about our thoroughly wonderful (but way too short) summer soon...

For tonight I just have a prayer request. Meghan is scheduled to have an additional surgery on her arm tomorrow morning over at Beaumont Hospital in Royal Oak (near Detroit).  This is a follow-up surgery that will hopefully give her more flexion in her elbow joint.  Her surgeon will be going in and removing some hardware and scar tissue around her elbow.  It will hopefully only be a 1-day outpatient surgery with minimal recovery time (sore for about a week, restrictions on usage for 4 weeks, and hopefully no physical therapy needed afterwards). 

Please pray for a successful surgery with quick recovery and minimal pain issues.  THANKS!

death is not dying...

Please take 55 minutes of your day and watch this. 

Please.

rainy monday...

My heart's feeling a little heavy today.  Amidst all the great progress and news we've had concerning Meghan the last couple of months, we've also had a lot of reminders about the trials and sadness of life here as well.  Sometimes it makes my heart well up with overflowing gratefulness for the time we've been granted and other times it just makes my heart break for all those around us experiencing set-backs and continuing trials.  And it's not just our "cancer comrades" (though there has certainly been a lot on that front)- there is so much hurt and pain everywhere we look.  Hurting marriages, struggling rebellious teens, friends walking away from the church and from their once-professed faith, economic hardships, sickness of varying degrees and death of loved ones.  There are simply days when I just want to cry out, "Come quickly, Lord!"  Of course this is all balanced by the beauty and joy we find in each day - good friends announcing a long-awaited pregnancy, the arrival of spring, time spent with family & friends, the truth & comfort of the Word, continuing employment and provision for our family, new opportunities, anticipation for the new member in our family (It's a GIRL by the way!) and most importantly by the hope we have in Christ.  Pastor Dale recently preached a great sermon about trials (please listen here). 

So what's new here?  On the medical front....  Meghan had her 3 month scans last week (April 15).  I could hardly believe that it had been 3 months already.  Praise the Lord that they continue to be CLEAR!  She is doing well - regaining energy and hair (lots of hair!).  We met with her surgeon on March 30 (just days before the anniversary of her surgery last year on 4/2) and we were pleased to hear that (for now) we are not moving forward with any additional surgery.  Meghan will continue in physical therapy and we will re-evaluate again in 3 months.  Meghan’s other big news on the medical front is that she had her port removal surgery March 18 and was able to discontinue the last of her prescription meds!  That's right - she is now only taking a multi-vitamin in the morning!  She also got to visit the dentist for the first time in 2 years (she wasn’t allowed to go while on treatment).  She will have to take a high-dose antibiotic for the rest of her life before dental appointments due to the allograft in her arm.  Meghan has managed to successfully maintain a cavity-free mouth for the last 11 years, so it was a bit of a shock for this appointment to reveal 5 cavities!  It really shouldn’t surprise us after the past year and half (all the hospital stays when she didn’t feel up to brushing her teeth and all the throwing up, etc..).  All in all she is doing wonderfully.  In the midst of following many of our cancer friends' journeys and praying over those who have lost their battle, are in hospice, relapse, active treatment, etc..  we are acutely aware of what a blessing it is to feel good and enjoy day after day together doing the normal basic things of daily life. 

On the homefront - Meghan finished the volleyball season.  The team did outstanding - winning all but one game and I was very proud of Meghan for her persistence and determination to stick with it and I really saw a lot of improvement over the course of the season.  Rileigh is continuing her immunotherapy for allergies which requires a weekly visit for allergy shots.  She is also participating in a program called "Girls on the Run" through her school.  She is practicing a few times a week with her team and training to run in a 5K event in May.  We celebrated Aidan’s 7th birthday March 14.  (Can my baby really be 7 already??)  We learned from Lauren’s latest ultrasound that we are expecting a grandDAUGHTER - so much fun!  We enjoyed Spring Break - stayed home and did a few fun things with the kids - bowling & pizza party, The Tale of Desperaux, Meijer Gardens (butterflies!), sleepovers with friends, time with grandparents, etc..   God is good indeed!

So... life continues on...

I read a great quote recently...

THE MAIN THING
IS TO KEEP
THE MAIN THING
THE MAIN THING

Wow - simple but powerful!  What is your “main thing?”  What are you living for?  My prayer is that through the power of the Spirit you are focusing on Christ as your main thing.  Praise God for His grace and love!

I don't want to sign off without leaving a few photos... (and yes, I realize I still owe a post and pics about Disney - keep checking back for that)...

   
1) Meghan - Knapp Knights "B" Volleyball Team  2) Rileigh's recent school project entitled, "Michigan in Hand"  3) Aidan's 7th Birthday (Star Wars cake lovingly made by big sister, Lauren)

   

Aidan and his best buddy Noah (this was a sleepover for Aidan's birthday and they are both dressed up as clone troopers)

   
Meghan is holding her port that was removed.  This was used during her treatment to administer chemo and other meds and do all her blood draws, transfusions, etc.  Hers was a double-lumen port meaning that there were two spots they could access with two separate needles (those are the two side-by-side circles).  The two holes at the top (side in this pic) is where the port was "tacked" into place in her chest.  The metal tube at the top was connected to tubing that went directly into her heart so the medicine, chemo, etc. was pushed directly into her heart and her heart pumped it all over her body.  We've been joking around about making some type of necklace or something with this!

Spending some time over Spring Break with good friends at the Frederick Meijer Gardens - the butterfly exhibit was awesome!

braeden "bub" burgess

  Please join us in praying for the Burgess family.

This sweet, sweet little boy, Braeden (affectionately called "Bub" by his mom) went to live with Jesus on Saturday, April 18.  He was one month shy of 4 years old when his little body succumbed to high-risk neuroblastoma.  Our paths only crossed a few times in clinic but his sweet nature was apparent to all and the strength, faith, and love exhibited in his parents through his carepage (braedenburgess) is very moving and a great testament to the hope we have in Christ.

He will wipe every tear
from their eyes. 
There will be no more death
or mourning
or crying or pain,
for the old order of things
has passed away. 

 - Revelation 21:4

by meghan...

Meghan recently had a school assignment to write an autobiographical paper.  I was excited when she told me that she had chosen to write about her cancer journey.  It hasn't been something that we as parents have pushed or suggested but I have thought for awhile that it would be good for her to think through and process the experience now being (mostly) on the other side of it.  (Of course I was also just very curious to read her own account of it and discover how she remembered it/viewed it.)  On one hand I have been very grateful that she seems to have quite easily put the experience behind her; she has been very much "full-steam-ahead-and-don't-look-back."  But as a parent you also always wonder if she is "dealing" with everything and processing it all in a healthy way.  Michael was quick to remind me that it was Meghan's assignment and her choice how she wanted to write about it or how deeply she wanted to delve into it.  (Read: Mom - don't get too involved, don't try to influence the direction of her paper, remember she is only 12 and it's a school assignment which usually means her focus will be to hurry up and finish the assignment - in other words, don't expect a deep, thorough, soul-searching, brilliant paper!)  So... I helped her with a timeline of events and let her pick and choose the parts she wanted to write about and how she wanted to write about them.  And I have to say I thoroughly enjoyed reading what she chose to say.  I set aside the fact that it was missing a lot of details that maybe she would have thought of if she had spent more time on it and set aside my own feelings on what things were important.  (Then again, a whole book probably could be written had she the time!)  I think she did a great job overall and I loved seeing her sense of humor come through as well. 

With her permission, I am sharing it here and also with her permission I am putting out the opportunity for you to ask Meghan any questions you may have - silly, serious, and anything in-between.  You can leave a comment here with your question(s) or email me.  I will not be including names when I post the questions and Meghan's answers (I won't probably share names with Meghan either, just the questions - I am hoping that this helps you all truly feel free to ask anything you want.)  I will be collecting your questions for the next week or two and then will compile a post with all your questions and Meghan's answers.

Now, for the essay...

Step by Step through Osteosarcoma

 

By Meghan Haan
   

I was sitting in the waiting room at Metro Health Cascade and heard one of the nurses call my name, “Meghan Haan.” This was an appointment I had been asking to go to because my arm was very sore. It wasn't like “ow-I-have-a-bruise-sore” it was more like a searing pain that came and went. It was maybe three to four weeks after the girl's basketball season at school ended and so we thought that it was probably sports related. You know, like a sprained muscle or something. Well, it wasn't going away so my mom and dad decided to take me to see our family doctor and just make sure that it wasn't anything serious like a fracture or something that should be treated right away. After they called my name they did everything that they would normally do when you go in for a regular check-up. After that they took me into a room and told me that the doctor would come in a minute and to wait patiently. After a little while Dr. Kern came in and she said just to be safe she would like to take an x-ray. After the x-ray she pulled my mom out of the room and told her something that I couldn't hear and came back in a few minutes. They told me there was something called a mass growing on my bone and it was probably nothing to worry about, but that we would have to do some more tests to find out why it was there.

Dr. Kern scheduled a MRI and CAT scan for later in the week and that was that. When it came time to go to the MRI and CAT scan Lauren, my older sister, bought some Hannah Montana episodes and let me borrow her iPod for the trip to Metro Hospital. She had to work so she couldn't come with my mom, dad, and me, but my Aunt Karey, who works out there, came and waited with us. We sat for a little while and then a nurse called us back. The nurse brought me to a bathroom and told me to use the bathroom before they got me settled in for the hour scans. After I came out of the bathroom I saw mom, dad, Aunt Karey and the nurse all standing outside of a really big metal door and above it had a sign that told others to be careful when entering the room. Now, through this whole time I admit that I was really scared, and when I saw this door and the sign I lost self control. I started bawling. I really didn't want to go into the room and then when the nurse opened the door there was a skinny, enclosed machine in the middle of the room, the only open part of it was where you got in and out! I was afraid that I might not fit - no, I was hoping that I wouldn't fit so that I could leave.

My mom talked them into letting her stay in the room with me for the scan and after much  comforting and re-assurance I walked into the room and the cycle started over again after I saw a needle. At the time I had no recollection of ever getting poked and I didn't want to. They finally got me to let them poke me and I hated it. It felt like a bee sting but much harder because it pierces your skin and goes under as well. After the hour in the MRI machine the nurse took me into a different room that was a little smaller but had yet another automatic crying machine in it. They had to poke me again and this time the CAT scan was really short but you get a weird feeling like you’re peeing in your pants and you have no control over it. You also get extremely hot and it starts in your toes and goes up and out your head. After that trying morning we went home and we were told to pick up the results in a couple days. Well, my mom went to do that when we were with her after school. She was in there for a long time and I was thinking there was just some paperwork or a long line, but then she came out looking very disheveled and anxious. I asked her what was wrong but she said nothing. I knew her better than that, Pastor Dale had said your family knows you better than you know yourself and this much I knew was true. So throughout the rest of the day I kept watching her and she certainly didn't act like she had been before she went in the office.

Two days later my mom and dad sent Rileigh(my younger sister) and Aidan(my younger brother) to sleep at my Grandma's and Grandpa's house and then they took me out to eat for dinner. The next morning, before yet another appointment with another doctor, they sat down with me and told me something that would change my life forever. The test results showed that I had a cancerous tumor on my right humerus and that I was going to go see a doctor that was to assign me a new doctor and surgeon that would take care of the cancer. All of the sudden I burst out crying and my mind was racing alongside my heart. Is this why they took me out to dinner and had Rileigh and Aidan spend the night and Grandma's and Grandpa's house? What kind of cancer is it? How did it get there? And most importantly, will it go away? These were just a few of the questions that were swarming around in my head. My dad was holding my hand and  my mom was cradling me in her arms but I barely noticed. Everything within my body, except my tears, had shut down at the sound of the word “cancer.” My mom and dad prayed with me and we left for the appointment.

Things started moving very quickly.  The next week we drove to Beaumont Hospital near Detroit to meet with my surgeon.  The following day we were scheduled to go and meet my new oncologist, Dr. Mitchell and talk about treatment and what that would mean for me. When we got there one of the nurses took us into a room and told us that Dr. Mitchell would be here in a minute. After Dr. Mitchell was in the room and introduced herself she explained a lot about cancer and how it is treated.  She started talking about two different objects called a port and a broviac. She explained that while getting a medicine called chemotherapy I would be getting poked a lot  and that to make it less painful and more convenient for me and the nurse that would check me in, they would give me the choice of either one of them and insert it before my  first chemotherapy round. She also explained to me and my parents that with a port I could swim after 24 hours of being un-poked and that it would be under my skin, but with a broviac a tube sticks out of my skin, I can't swim ever while it is in and my mom or dad would have to flush the tube and change the wrapping around it twice a day. So after little thought I chose the port.

The day after the appointment with Dr. Mitchell we went back to Beaumont for the biopsy  surgery on my tumor so that they could determine what kind of cancer it was so that they would know how to treat it. The biopsy was really terrible. I was scared to death and then the nurse who was putting the IV in my arm kept poking me and couldn't get it so I was crying like crazy and I kept thinking what if something like this but worse happened in the surgery? They wouldn't let my mom or dad come with me past a certain point so the surgeon was trying to comfort me but it wasn't working. When we got into the surgical room they wanted me to breathe through this mask and I did. It made me sleepy and it smelled like vanilla. Slowly I lost feeling in my arms and legs. My brain was slowly shutting down and the last thing I heard before going to sleep was one of the assistant surgeons say, “Do you think the IV nurse messed up?” and someone else answered, “Apparently!” We got the biopsy results that same day.  It was confirmed that I had osteosarcoma, a type of bone cancer.

I had a short break from appointments over Christmas and then two days after Christmas I went in for surgery to have my port installed and do my very first chemotherapy round. While waiting for them to call my name for the port surgery, I thought of how glad I was to have my family right beside me the whole time and how grateful I was that they could still make me laugh, even with all the bad news. My dad and I would always joke around about how silly and repulsive the gowns that the hospital makes you wear were and how we should create a line of fashionable hospital gowns and make millions of dollars off of them. For the record, Beaumont Hospital was way worse than Spectrum in this area because they also had you wear these really ugly knee high socks with little sticky circles on the bottom so you wouldn't slip on the floor.

After the port surgery, while I was still asleep, they took me up to Seven South (the Helen DeVos Children’s Hospital Hematology/Oncology Unit) for my first round of chemotherapy. During my first chemotherapy round every time I woke up I'd check if I still had hair or if it was falling out. This was one of the things I dreaded most about the chemotherapy - it makes your hair fall out. Now you may think that it is silly for me - while there are so many other, worse things going on - to worry about hair. Well, you’re probably right. Now that I look back at it, I think I was being totally ridiculous. I mean, come on, I'm lying in a hospital bed with a life-threatening disease and all I could think about was my hair and what people would think when I lost it. Okay, back to my first chemotherapy round. With chemotherapy you always feel blah, but since it was my first time getting it, I  felt blah X 100. So it was more like blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. So in-between sleeping, puking and peeing (the three basics of chemotherapy), I watched cable T.V. (which is a really big deal since we don't have it at home), drew pictures, and wrote an acrostic poem that went like this:
  
                Can make it through the battle
                A n excellent witness to others
                Never a burden to carry if it pleases God
                Cancer's scary but we'll take it one step at a time
                Entirely tiring
                Ready to smile!

About 14 days after my first chemotherapy round I started losing my hair. My mom and I together decided that it would be easier just to shave it off. My mom also shaved her hair off too. We had a lady from our church who does hair for a living come and do it because I didn't want to go out in public and have it done. With each shave she did on my head it was a shave off the top of my heart. After she was done I thought about not looking in the mirror, but I did anyway. I felt so stupid and wished I had a hat to cover my head. Thankfully while we were down in Royal Oak to see my surgeon the first time we went to an outlet mall and bought a few hats. Whenever I looked in the mirror I felt like a boy. My mom and dad said I still looked beautiful, but that’s kind of hard to believe if you were standing where I was. 

About two weeks later I had my second chemotherapy round. I really didn't want to go in for it but my doctor had said this one would be easier to take than the first so, reluctantly, I went back to the hospital. When we got there the nurse assigned to me that round got me settled in and attached the bag of chemotherapy up to my port. Well about half way through the night I went to go to the bathroom and then came out, collapsed to the floor and started throwing up. After this my memory goes blank. When I woke up I was in the ICU and hooked up to these big machines that were taking my blood out of my body, cleaning it, and then putting it back in. I remember very little from the beginning of this round because it turned out that I was allergic to the type of chemotherapy they gave me(called Methotrexate). My kidneys and liver shut down so the Methotrexate wasn't getting out of my body. It was just sitting there, in my body. What I do remember of this round was that they had me on emergency hemo-dialysis and then continual regular dialysis and I couldn’t get up out of the bed because of everything that was hooked up to me. My doctors had not seen this type of reaction before so they had to talk to other doctors from all over the country to find out what to do.  I also received an experimental enzyme that was transported from Chicago by ambulance and that, for three vials which equals one dose, cost $90,000! I also remember that my aunt from California came and visited me within the 14 days in which I was stuck in the ICU. 

My chemotherapy rounds were usually scheduled for every three weeks and took place inpatient for 5 days at the hospital.  My mom or dad always came and stayed with me at the hospital and many friends and family members visited me as well.  When I was feeling up to it, Rileigh and Aidan would come up and hang out with me in my room.  Aidan really liked to play with the controls on my bed and eat the snacks that the nurses brought him.  My least favorite thing about the hospital was the way it smelled and especially the stuff that they called food.  After my first round, I just started asking them not to bring the food trays in my room because they made me feel like puking. 

After my fifth  chemotherapy round, on April 2nd, I went to Beaumont Hospital in Royal Oak (near Detroit) and had the surgery that saved my life. They took out my right humerus between my elbow and shoulder and replaced it with an allograft(cadaver bone with a titanium rod thru the center). I spent seven long days in the hospital there. While I was in the hospital there I also had some other issues. First of all, all the nurses there had no idea of what they were supposed to be doing and my surgeon, whom I loved, had a terrible student doctor. The student doctor was rather in-experienced and you could tell this by the way he came in to see me the morning after my surgery. He opened the door at 6:00 am in the morning when my mom and I were still sleeping and turned on the bright lights. He walked over to me and said, “Hey Meghan how are you doing?” Then he proceeded to  ask me other questions about how I was feeling. Then the worst part was he took his pen and started poking my arm through the bandages and asking, “does this hurt?” every time he poked it which was about 30 times! Now my dad says to be gracious and understanding because he was only starting and was just learning how to be a doctor but, I'm sorry, he was just horrendous!

Soon after we returned from my surgery, I started chemotherapy rounds again. It was hard because the chemotherapy slows down the healing process and my arm took a very long time to heal.  A couple months after the surgery I also started physical therapy to rehabilitate my arm. I really liked my physical therapist, but it was hard and frustrating because I couldn’t do a lot of the things that I had been able to do before. I was really happy when I finally got to the point of discontinuing my pain medication for my arm, but it still gets sore sometimes when I use it a lot.

On the 28th of August I went in for my 12th and final round of chemotherapy! My parents and I decided that it would be a good idea to invite anybody who wanted to come visit to have cake and coffee. So on my final dose of chemotherapy most of my family, friends and church congregation came up to see me and have a slice of cake. During this round I was still recovering from other previous rounds and wasn't feeling the best so I ended up going to sleep before the party was over. On the very last part of the dose we all (even the nurses!) counted down the seconds until it was over and then we hugged and cried and sang the doxology together.

Throughout my whole treatment I had to go to a lot of appointments and do certain things. I also had to take a lot of different medicines every day.  At one point I was taking about 30 pills a day plus having 3 different injections that my mom learned to give me at home. I also had to go to the hospital clinic for check-ups once or twice a week so they could monitor my blood counts and make sure the chemotherapy was getting out of my blood system. I also had MRI's, Bone scans, and PET-CT scans throughout the whole period so they could keep an eye on the tumor and make sure the cancer didn’t spread anywhere else in my body. When we went up to clinic sometimes they would need to do some blood transfusions of either red blood cells or platelets. Also, if my white blood cell count was low I would need to do Neupogen injections every night at home. After each chemotherapy round they would send me home on IV fluids for a few days. We had to learn how to hook up the home IV pump and flush and de-access my port. There was also this other thing called pentamidine treatments that were just awful! You would go in and there would be a mask that you put over your face to breathe medicine into your lungs that tasted really bad!

Eight days after my last chemotherapy round I started running a fever. Now this is pretty typical for patients after a chemotherapy round because your blood counts drop really low and your immune system is shot, but I luckily had never had it before. One of the rules that the children's hospital has is that if you have a fever of 101.5 degrees or higher, you have to get admitted right away through the Emergency Room (this is referred to as a F & N Admit - Fever & Neutropenia). During the night my fever got that high so we drove over to the ER and were admitted. While I was down in the ER they started a high dose antibiotic through my port. This medicine made me really itchy. The whole time I was there I was really out of it but I do remember very well that they told me I was having an allergic reaction and I started freaking out because the Methotrexate reaction was very serious and if they hadn't put me on dialysis right away I could have died. Then they explained this was just a minor reaction (not like the Methotrexate reaction) and that it was nothing to worry about.

While I was in the hospital for a few days because of the fever, Ethan McGraw, another boy from our school that had a type of brain cancer called Medulloblastoma was having a celebration of life party that I couldn't go to because I was in the hospital. Ethan was a really good friend because he knew how it felt to have cancer and he was the one that really knew how to support me through it. Ethan was having this celebration of life party because his brain tumor had come back for the 5th time and they couldn't cure it, so he was going to die. They decided to just stop treatment because they would rather have him at home before it happened than proceed with treatment that wouldn't cure it. I was very upset that I couldn't go to the party but he ended up being admitted two doors down from me the next day. After the first night he stopped responding to anyone and couldn't move or talk. My mom went to his room a few times and then to go say good bye to him when they realized that he didn’t have much longer to live. She asked me if I wanted to go say good bye but I said no. You may think that it was mean not to say goodbye, but to see Ethan, my wild, upbeat friend, lying in a hospital bed motionless would be one of the hardest things to do. I wanted to remember him as I knew him - ready to kick  cancer’s butt with a smile.

When my mom came back in the room and told me that Ethan had finally gone to heaven, I cried the rest of the day without stopping. Knowing that I had lost not just a friend but a person who, more than I, knew what it meant to have cancer, was very hard. When I got out of the hospital we went to his funeral. At school they handed out ribbons to wear to the funeral and anybody who wanted to could leave school early to go. A lot of my friends went and looked up in the casket but I decided not to because like I said, I wanted to remember him full of life and smiling. I cried through the whole service and when they took his body out of the sanctuary my family and I left.

There were a lot of terrible things throughout this whole past year but there were also some fun things that we got to do that helped me remember that all the yucky stuff would go away soon. Now don't get me wrong, I wouldn't do all of this cancer stuff again just to do some fun things, but the fun things were really nice to have while going through treatment. Some things that my family and I got to do were Gilda's Club (a place with lots of activities and groups that was built for families that are living with cancer), Whitecaps games, American Cancer Society Relay for Life, yaht outing, We Do Care (an organization that gives gifts to children with cancer - they gave our family a Wii), Gilda's golf outing dinner, Wood TV 8 interview, Stand Up To Cancer, and our Make-a- Wish trip to Disney World!

October 2nd, the day after my 12th birthday, they declared me to be in remission! Remission means that there is no more cancer in my body and that it is okay to go back to the way things were before as much as possible. I got to try out for Volleyball at school and made the B team and my hair started growing back! This past year was really hard for me and all the people who love me but God has been so gracious and merciful to me and my family. He saved my life, gave me a wonderful example which was Ethan, and He gave me deeper faith. He showed me that He can do anything and that I need to trust in Him. There were times throughout this trial that I thought I wasn't going to make it or wanted to give up and quit but God showed me that He will carry me through it and I'll come out when and where I am supposed to. This whole experience has brought me deeper into my faith and humbled me so much, and though I wish God had chosen another way to do it, I am eternally grateful for His love and mercy.

4 weeks isn't "soon" apparently...

So... for those of you who check in here regularly, I owe you all an apology.  I promised at the conclusion of my last post that I would be back "soon" to fill you in on our wonderful trip to Florida.  And now I see (and have been gently {throat clear} reminded) that 4 weeks (4 WEEKS!!!) have somehow mysteriously transpired since that fateful promise...  I have to admit that as much as I want to share all the lovely details of our trip, I am a tad bit overwhelmed at the sheer volume of information and quantity of photos to sort through.  It is coming... really.

In the meantime, I do also want to catch you up on the current medical happenings and family updates of late.  (These will be separate posts in the next day or two.)

But at the moment I am most eager to share something special from Meghan herself...  and no, I will not leave you hanging... I will be putting up a subsequent post immediately following this one! 

back to reality...

We returned last night (Sunday) from Meghan's Make-A-Wish Trip to DisneyWorld.  It was truly a magical, exciting, overwhelming, over-the-top, exhausting, sensory overloading, incredible, once-in-a-lifetime, amazing event for our family.  We were unbelievably spoiled and are so incredibly grateful for the extreme generosity of Make-A-Wish and Give Kids the World (and all their donors) and for the blessing that this time together as a family was!

Michael has just left to bring the children to school this morning and as I sit here I can't believe how very QUIET (and COLD) it is.  I'm pretty sure I could sleep for three days continuously (you know that whole "needing a vacation from your vacation" thing).  Alas, the unpacking, laundry, grocery shopping, bill-paying, etc.. are beckoning me.  The brief respite of sun-soaked, fun-filled days  are but a memory now... (yes, I realize I'm getting a bit dramatic - that's what Disney does to you, lol!)  I also just realized that I have to make dinner for the first time in 6 days tonight (that whole no cooking or cleaning up the kitchen aspect of vacation is truly delightful, is it not?). 

I am very excited to show you photos and tell you all about it but right at this moment I am a little overwhelmed at the idea of trying to put into words the experience that we had.  I think I will let my thoughts and feelings about it marinate for a bit.  I will, however, leave you with a little "teaser" photo and a promise to share more very SOON....

i saw what i saw...

I have been a big fan of Sara Groves for many years.  Her lovely voice and compositions are paired with lyrics that are always so insightful.  Her music has ministered to me on many occasions through many joys and trials.  Recently at work I was listening to her CD, "Tell Me What You Know" and the song, "I Saw What I Saw" came on.  Sara wrote this moving song as a response to a trip she took to Rwanda (youtube clip below).  But on this particular evening I heard that song in a whole different light.  I literally wept as I went through a mental slideshow of all the children we have met (and those we have said goodbye to) throughout this journey.  So to Ethan, Sophia, Zac, Rachel, Hannah, Anthony, Shoshanna, Ted, Jon, Shelley, Max, Ashley, Alissa, Devon, Jose, Paige, Ashlyn, Rosie, Braeden, Luci, Alanna, R.J, Iva, Matthew, Asa, Alexis, and many more faces seared into my memory... and of course to Meghan, precious Meghan...

I Saw What I Saw 

I saw what I saw and I can't forget it
I heard what I heard and I can't go back
I know what I know and I can't deny it

Something on the road, cut me to the soul

Your pain has changed me
your dream inspires
your face a memory
your hope a fire
your courage asks me what I am afraid of
and what I know of love

we've done what we've done and we can't erase it
we are what we are and it's more than enough
we have what we have but it's no substitution
 
Something on the road, cut me to the soul
 
Your pain has changed me
your dream inspires
your face a memory
your hope a fire
your courage asks me what I am made of
and what I know of love.
 
I say what I say with no hesitation
I have what I have but I'm giving it up
I do what I do with deep conviction

Something on the road, cut me to the soul
 
Your pain has changed me
your dreams inspire
your face a memory
your hope a fire
your pain has changed me
your dream inspires
your face a memory
your hope a fire

your courage asks me
what I am afraid of
your courage asks me
what I am made of
your courage asks me
what I am afraid of
and what I know of love

and what I know of God.

tears...

This little beauty named Sophia passed away this morning. 
I have never met her or her parents, just followed their
carepage as Sophia battled a malignant brain tumor. 
My heart aches for them tonight as they have said
goodbye to their sweet little girl. 

Please keep this family in your prayers!

"Weeping may remain for a night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning."
Psalm 30:5b 

moving forward...

This past week I did something that felt really good.  It was a physical confirmation that we are indeed moving forward.  Start here where you may remember this post about our kitchen counter.

This is that same counter Monday morning                      and later that same day

 

Meghan is down to only taking 2 prescriptions on a regular basis plus a multi-vitamin!  We also got the ok from her oncologist to schedule her port-removal surgery (probably in early March).  With this news and her latest set of scans being clear, I finally felt like it was ok to get rid of all the other meds from her treatment. 

I hope to never see one of these on my kitchen counter again...

 

And Meghan is thrilled to see these go...

 

And this?  Well, Meghan would shake her head and tell you, "just don't even ask!"...

 

(Let's just say that those nasty, painful throat and mouth sores that can result from chemo can also show up in other places as well...)

I also packed up all of the rest of her unused medical supplies (IV supplies, port supplies, etc..).  These supplies, along with her prescriptions that had pills remaining, are all getting donated to a clinic in Cuba that Meghan's primary oncologist, Dr. Mitchell, volunteers at.  They are incredibly short on supplies and medications and it is great knowing that these excess items can be of benefit to other children in need.

I am amazed at all the pills Meghan had to swallow over the past year and so glad that she is almost done with that aspect of treatment.  These next photos should give you some idea (these are all the prescriptions that she had over the year).  I am extremely grateful that we live in a place where these were all readily available to her along with the great medical care she received!

far too long...

 So... it has been awhile since I've posted (as many of you have been reminding me).  I apologize for the lack of updates here.  It's definitely not because there hasn't been anything to tell you (in fact, I'll have several posts just to catch you all up), but rather it has just been really BUSY.  It's strange how different things are for us compared to last year.  This past year was busy too but in a totally different way and much of that busy-ness included a lot of waiting and sitting (appointments and hospital stays) which proved helpful for updating the blog on my laptop.  This newer busy-ness is more about running around and doing things like working, cooking, cleaning, helping with homework and projects, various appointments and practices - just the general, every-day busy-ness of LIFE.  It's weird how all that time we gained being out of the hospital and having fewer appointments just got filled up with other stuff immediately!  And of course I still feel like we are "catching up" on a lot of things that got pushed aside last year.  I suppose in many ways we are still picking up the pieces and trying to find a new balance to life and all it requires.  So first off... a little catch-up on the past two months...

The end of November included celebrating Lauren's 20th birthday, Thanksgiving, enjoying a visit from Michael's sister Pam (from CA), and our 20th Highschool Class Reunion.

December was a busy month that also brought a rush of memories for us.  Many 1-year anniversaries - that first fateful dr. appt., Meghan's first MRI and CT, the MRI report, confirmation of cancer, appointments galore (what a whirlwind), biopsy surgery and official diagnosis, port placement surgery and first round of chemo, etc..  Michael and I found ourselves re-living a lot of those first heart-breaking moments and also reflecting a lot on all the blessings God provided and His amazing love and care for us over the past year.  It also brought us each at different moments to tears of gratitude that our precious daughter is still here with us!  It hit Michael while we were decorating the Christmas tree together and Meghan climbed up on the stool to put on the finishing touch - the star on top.  It hit me when I watched her singing with her 7th grade choir for the holiday concert.  I remembered back to last year when I had to watch her concert right after she had been diagnosed and I wondered if it would be the last time I would get to watch her participate in something like that.  And December included all sorts of other things as well...

Michael and I learned that we are going to be grandparents!  That little cutie on the left is our grandbaby who is currently squirming his/her way around in Lauren's belly (and making her feel miserable).  We are excited to meet this new little one sometime in August (due date is August 11, which happens to be Lauren and Eric's 2nd wedding anniversary!).  And please feel free to tell us that we are way too young to be grandparents. :)

As a parent, you hope to never see a photo like the next one...

yep... busted and behind bars... (not a very good example for their new niece/nephew)

   

These photos were taken at the Grand Rapids Correctional Facility Public Museum.  We were there on December 2 for the Helen DeVos Pediatric Hematology/Oncology Christmas Party.  We had a great night seeing a lot of our "cancer friends" and the doctors, nurses, and staff that we have come to know and love.  We got to roam through the museum, ride the carousel, eat snacks, take a picture with Santa, AND the highlight of each year's party... watch a special play written by Dr. Axtell (one of the oncologists) and performed by all the docs, nurses, etc..  This year's play was a spoof on Peter Pan and it was HILARIOUS!  We thoroughly enjoyed everyone's great performance and the extra funny stuff custom-tailored for cancer patients and their families. 

     

I'd love to post a bunch of photos from the play but they are probably
more funny to us having seen it than to all of you.  Here are just a
few favorites... 

Captain Hook (Dr. Dickens) with Aidan

Peter Pan (Dr. Kurt) with Meghan, Rileigh, and Aidan

Dr. Fahner as the Sugar Plum Fairy (apparently Dr. Axtell always
writes in a bit part that includes Dr. Fahner dressing in a pink tutu)

The kid's favorite - Aaron (one of the PA's) as Tinkerbell (or rather,
TANKerbell - "You can call me Tank" - complete in a green tutu,
pointy toed shoes, and glittery wings)

Below (click to enlarge) - Jon and Aaron, Dr. Dickens and Diane, Full Cast Photo

    

 

Another party that Michael and I went to was our church's Christmas party which had a "tacky" theme this year.  We fully obliged by wearing the following (which incidentally did NOT win the prize for the tackiest!)...

     

You may remember that green wig and glasses from here.  I painted the tshirts and pulled everything else from various items around the house (yes, I actually own hot pink shoes).

December also brought more doctor appointments - but this time for Rileigh.  She underwent some extensive allergy testing and after finding out that she has numerous severe allergies as well as asthma, we are pursuing immunotherapy for her which includes taking her to the office weekly for allergy shots.  She is a real trooper and was actually excited about having her blood drawn and getting the shots (I suppose that is what happens when you see your older sister have that stuff done on a regular basis).  Meghan's oncologist also recommended that the whole family get flu shots this year (Meghan received hers in clinic) so we had a fun family outing one evening for that as well. 

Meghan has been continuing her weekly physical therapy and she added a new therapy as well each week - Aqua Therapy.  This is time spent in the therapy pool at Spectrum doing various strengthening and stretching exercises.  Meghan really enjoyed the time she spent working with Nancy in the pool.   We have since decided to discontinue the pool therapy because Meghan is now playing volleyball as well (more on that later).

    

These photos are from the kids' school holiday concert.  1. Meghan singing in the 7th Grade Choir  2. Rileigh and the rest of the 4th graders playing their recorders  3. Aidan and Noah (the first graders all wore reindeer antlers and Aidan & Noah decided that red noses were a good addition)

Other fun stuff:

• I got to spend a wee bit of time in my studio to make ornaments for a swap I participated in
   (more on that here and here).

• We celebrated Michael's 39th Birthday

• We delivered Christmas cards and trays of goodies to the doctors, nurses, and staff of 7 South (Hem/Onc Unit)

• We enjoyed a snow day and a 2 week winter break from school (and Michael got to enjoy a week off work between    Christmas and New Years)

• I hosted a "Girls Night" dinner with some of my girlfriends

• We did a lot of this....

 

Snuggling and reading together (we are currently working our way through the Spiderwick Chronicles).  Aidan also coined a new term - chuggling - this refers to combining chatting and snuggling (his favorite thing to do).  :)

 

This photo was taken Christmas morning - what a great looking bunch, eh?

We had the opportunity to catch up with some old friends over the break as well as spend time with both sides of the family. 

December and January were also very busy months for me with my job as secretary of our church (I just returned to work part-time in October).  Our new church building was completed and we spent a lot of time helping move the offices and setting up the new building.  It is always a busy time as well with preparing the Annual Report for the congregation.  We are settling in nicely to our new building and are so thankful for the blessing that having our own building has been.

We also made a trip over to Beaumont Hospital in Royal Oak (near Detroit) for a follow-up appointment with Meghan's surgeon, Dr. Les.  (We go for follow-up every three months now.)  Dr. Les was hoping that Meghan's arm would be a little further progressed so at this point she is continuing with physical therapy and when we see her again in March she may recommend another surgery to clean out the area more, break up scar tissue, and hopefully give Meghan more flexion in her elbow.  She did, however, give Meghan the ok to play volleyball which is something Meghan had really been hoping for. 

We had to jump through quite a few hoops (ok from surgeon, ok from oncologist, ok and sports physical from family dr., evaluation of heart function, etc..) but all is good and Meghan was able to try out for the team and I am happy to report that she made the B team!  This photo was taken at her first game (January 29).  It is definitely challenging her physically and emotionally.  She still has not regained all her energy back and she comes home completely exhausted after practices, but she is showing a lot of determination and perserverance.  She is also struggling with the limitations of her arm but finding creative ways to compensate. 

The other big news from January is that Meghan had her set of scans (x-ray, CT of chest, and full body bone scan) and they all came back clear - PRAISE THE LORD!  It is hard not to feel apprehensive each time these roll around.  She will have scans every three months for this first year off treatment.  The second year it will go to every four months, and then every six months for the third year, etc..  In January we learned of two of our friends' relapses and it is difficult not to consider that possibility for Meghan as well.  I hope in time that this aspect of the journey will get easier!  

Well - that certainly didn't cover everything, but it did cover a good portion of it and it may have even been more than you wanted to know!  As always, we appreciate your continued interest and prayers for our family - may God bless you all richly in this new year!

one year...

Note:  This was written on December 11, 2008, but not previously posted.

Yesterday was an anniversary of sorts.  It was on that date one year ago that we received the MRI Report that confirmed our suspicions of Meghan having cancer.  It wasn't an official diagnosis (that occurred following her biopsy on December 19) nor was it the first inkling of something being terribly wrong (that was her first x-ray on December 4 that showed a mass growing on her bone), but it was the confirmation of the things I felt but had dared not speak outloud.  I can't remember all the details of that day - most of it is a blur - but I can still feel those feelings well up inside me.  That sick feeling in the pit of your stomach - that moment that you just want to rewind or wake up from - those initial feelings of panic, pain, anger, and denial.  Reflecting back on it now I can so clearly see God's grace in all of it because as horrible as that news was to receive, the feelings of peace and trust followed shortly after.  Those first couple of months were such a whirlwind - completely overwhelming and exhausting and chaotic and yet, here we are a year later and we can see God's faithfulness through it all.  I remember picking up the kids from school and driving over to the doctors office to pick up the reports (they couldn't transfer them via computer because the reports were from Metro and we needed them for an appointment with Spectrum).  I had the children wait in the car while I went in to the office.  The gals working hemmed and hawed about handing them over and said perhaps they could find a way to transfer them instead.  When I explained that I had been told that they were ready to pick up they told me I should wait in a room for the doctor.  I just knew.  As I waited for the doctor one of the nurses brought me the reports.  I was alone in the exam room when I read the report and saw my worst fear realized - osteosarcoma.  I had already been doing some research so I knew right away what that meant - cancer.  I cried and slammed my fists on the table.  No no no no - not Meghan, not now, not this!  What are you doing Lord?  The doctor was tied up and I told the nurse that I needed to get back out to my kids in the car and couldn't wait any longer.  I told her I already knew what the report meant.  I stopped in the bathroom to try and wash my face and pull myself together.  I knew I had to go back out to the car and act casual - not get Meghan alarmed.  We had some time to kill before picking up Michael from work so we went to Flowerland to walk around and look at Christmas decorations.  I could tell from the corner of my eye that Meghan was studying me (she and I have always had an uncanny ability to "read" each other) but she didn't ask what was wrong like she normally would.  I think she sensed something "big" and protected herself by not pressing the questions.  I walked around in a complete fog/daze - my mind was whirling in a million directions.  We picked up Michael and I went down to get him with the reports.  We decided not to tell Meghan right away.  She needed to get through her day at school the next day (Thursday) and then we had the appointment with the orthopaedic specialist on Friday morning.  We called our parents and Lauren that evening to share the devastating news.  I still remember those first few sleepless nights.  Crying and tossing and turning.  I would wake Michael up in the middle of the night and ask him to pray with me and hold me.  I just wanted him to be able to say that everything was going to be ok.  I thought we can get through anything as long as I know she's going to come out on the other side of this.  I am so thankful for Michael especially through those first few days of struggling to come to grips with this news.  He immediately reminded me that she was God's child first.  He was in control.  She would be ok - NO MATTER WHAT - she would be healed - whether it was on earth or in heaven - the outcome had already been determined by a loving and sovereign God and we simply needed to trust Him and do everything we could to help Meghan through this scary time.  I also remember the way it felt to try and do simple ordinary things like going to the grocery store to buy groceries.  I would push the cart around in a daze and look at all the people around me.  In my head I wanted to just stand in the middle of the store and scream, "How can you all just keep walking around like this?  Don't you know that my daughter has cancer?!?"  It felt like the world should stop, but it doesn't - life continues on and we have to keep living it.  The outpouring of love, support, prayers was so very overwhelming.  I can't even begin to tell you how grateful we were/are!  I remember the day we told Meghan she had cancer.  I remember thinking beforehand, "Today I have to tell my daughter two things... 1.  That I believe that God is good and faithful and that He loves her even more than I do and 2. that she has cancer."  And I remember wondering how in the world an 11 year old girl was going to reconcile those two things with one another but Meghan was amazing.  Michael and I had sat down with her to tell her and Michael started with reading some scripture.  After we told her we prayed together and Meghan asked if she could pray first.  The first thing that Meghan prayed about after hearing the news that she had cancer was praying for other people in the same situation that didn't have all the same blessings as her - faith in God, love and support of her parents and family, etc..  I was amazed that a young girl could so quickly put her trust in God and also that she could immediately look beyond herself and think of others.  How much she has taught me!  Yes, there were many struggles and pain and questions throughout the last year but overall Meghan has grown so much in her faith and her outlook and compassion for others.  She exhibited remarkable strength and grace and perseverance.  I give all thanks and praise to God for it is truly His grace that led her (and us) through it all.

we wish you a merry christmas...

This year's Christmas card/Thank you letter...

A Note from Meghan:

I just want to say thank you to everyone who has prayed and supported me this past year. 
God has truly blessed me with amazing, wonderful people around me. 

Thank You!

Love,
Meghan

DECEMBER 19, 2008

Dear friends and family, 

As I sat down to write this letter to include with our Christmas cards, I realized that on this date one year ago we received Meghan’s official diagnosis of cancer.  What a year it has been!  Our desire was to write a “thank you” letter with our card that would encompass all the gratitude we feel for the many blessings of this past year, but as I sit now and reflect I am aware that a simple letter could not even begin to scratch the surface.  It is simply overwhelming. 
How can we even begin to thank all those involved in blessing us and walking alongside us through this past year? 

Through all of you, we have experienced the faithfulness and provision of God.  He blessed us in material, emotional, and spiritual ways through His body of believers.  Our families, church family, extended families, friends, employers, school, hospital staff, highschool classmates, other cancer families, and even strangers whom we never met all prayed, supported, encouraged, cooked, gave, and provided in ways to such an extent that we were often left in complete awe at God’s goodness to us and the love of our family in Christ.  Thank you seems like such an inadequate phrase for what we experienced! 

We praise God for the good news we received in October that Meghan’s cancer is in remission.  The children are all regularly attending school, Michele is back at work part-time, and while it will still take some time to “pick up the pieces” from the past year, we are very much enjoying the simple things of life like family dinners, reading & snuggling together, playing in the snow, going to church as a family - even  cooking, cleaning, and helping with homework (wow - did I really just write that?)!  Meghan is continuing with physical therapy 2 times a week as well as periodic clinic visits.  She will undergo scans every 3 months for this first year off treatment (the second year it goes to every 4 months, third year every six, etc..).  The next set of scans is scheduled for mid-January.  Please join us in praying for clear scans! 
Feel free to check in on us anytime as we will continue to update the blog periodically.

We are looking forward in faith and while tomorrow remains unknown to us, we rest in the knowledge that it is sovereignly controlled by our loving and merciful God.  I often think of Hebrews 10:23 “Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.”  This is our prayer for the coming year, no matter what it may hold for us.  We do have some wonderful and exciting things to look forward to in 2009... Meghan’s Make-A-Wish trip to Disneyworld has been scheduled for February (could there possibly be a better month to leave Michigan?  I think not!) and in August we are expecting a special addition to our family!  Lauren and Eric recently announced that they are expecting (Lauren’s due date is August 11, which is their 2nd anniversary) so Michael and I will be grandparents and Meghan, Rileigh, and Aidan will be aunts and uncle! 

We pray that you all experience the peace and love of God during this blessed holiday season and throughout
the coming year.  We are forever grateful for all the acts of love, kindness, and sacrifice you made on our behalf. 
To God be the glory! 

Much Love,
The Haan Family

***********************************************************************************************************************************

The photos used on our cards were taken by my amazing friend Terri this past fall (others previously posted here and here).  We kept the "baldies" photos a secret to use on our Christmas cards.  Here are the "outtakes" from those pics...

 

 

the gift of gifts...

O Source of all good,
    What shall I render to thee for the gift of gifts,
        thine own dear Son, begotten, not created,
        my Redeemer, proxy, surety, substitute,
        his self-emptying incomprehensible,
        his infinity of love beyond the heart's grasp.
    Herein is wonder of wonders:
        he came below to raise me above,
        was born like me that I might become like him.
    Herein is love:
        when I cannot rise to him he draws near on wings of grace,
        to raise me to himself.
    Herein is power:
        when Deity and humanity were infinitely apart
        he united them in indissoluble unity,
        the uncreated and the created.
    Herein is wisdom:
        when I was undone, with no will to return to him,
        and no intellect to devise recovery,
        he came, God-incarnate, to save me to the uttermost,
        as man to die my death,
        to shed satisfying blood on my behalf,
        to work out a perfect righteousness for me.
    O God, take me in spirit to the watchful shepherds,
            and enlarge my mind;
        let me hear good tidings of great joy,
            and hearing, believe, rejoice, praise, adore,
            my conscience bathed in an ocean of repose,
            my eyes uplifted to a reconciled Father;
        place me with ox, ass, camel, goat,
            to look with them upon my Redeemer's face,
            and in him account myself delivered from sin;
        let me with Simeon clasp the new-born child to my heart,
            embrace him with undying faith,
            exulting that he is mine and I am his.
    In him thou hast given me so much
        that heaven can give no more.

- taken from The Valley of Vision (A Collection of Puritan Prayers & Devotions)

amazing kids (part 1)...

I would like to do a few posts to highlight some of the amazing kids (and their families) who we have had the privilege of walking alongside this past year.  One of these awesome families is the Fredricks.  They have a twelve year old son named Zac who was diagnosed with medulloblastoma (brain tumor) in October 2007.  We follow his carepage (ZacZone) and have enjoyed seeing and visiting Zac and his mom, Erika, up in clinic.  Sometimes Zac updates his own carepage and he has such a great sense of humor.  He often signs his notes, "from your favorite sick kid."  (I have pasted a recent update below.  **Note to Zac - you ARE one of our favorite sick kids, but soon we hope you'll be one of our favorite healthy kids!**)  Please join us in praying for the Fredrick family and for Zac's full and complete healing. 

What I'm Thankful for.....

Posted Nov 26, 2008 12:24pm

Dear Healthy people,

Monday night I got a temperature and with a port that means I need to come to Grand Rapids to the ER. They are planning for me to stay here for Thanksgiving.
But I'm thankful for being at the hospital and getting better! But my mom and dad tell me that this Thanksgiving might not be what I'm used to but at least we will be together, that's sounds like an Oprah moment. But when you have been doing this for fourteen months you just want things back to normal. And you call being in the hospital eating hospital turkey normal? I don't think so.

Now sense I whined enough already, how about the five things I'm most thankful for....
1. I'm thankful for being as close to God as I am.
2. I'm thankful for having a great family.
3. Getting the support from you Zaczone viewers.
4. Having teachers that understand what I'm going through and give me extra support.
5. Last but not least I'm thankful for having good restaurants that have take out near this dang hospital.
I have more things to be thankful for but that's for another time.

Everyone have a happy holiday and no financial problems when you go Christmas shopping.

From your favorite kid in the hospital on Thanksgiving,
Zac

great family get-togethers...

Lands End recently had a contest asking entrants to write a 300 (or less) word essay about their most memorable family get-together.  I struggled to whittle down my thoughts to less than 300 words, but finally submitted the following this past October (which incidentally did NOT win)...

So many wonderful memories come to mind as I reflect on 38 years of life, 20+ years of marriage, and 5 wonderful children.  Should I write about camping trips?  Family reunions?  The wedding day of my oldest daughter?  Or should I take a risk and go with what my heart is telling me?...  an unconventional choice that is probably not the story you have in mind for winning a contest.  You see my perspective shifted drastically last year when my 11 year-old daughter, Meghan, was diagnosed with osteosarcoma (bone cancer).  So my pick for “most memorable family get together?”  Time spent bedside in the hospital through her year-long intensive chemotherapy treatments and surgeries.  There is a lot of joy and laughter to be found in life... even in a hospital pediatric oncology unit (maybe especially in a hospital pediatric oncology unit).  Despite the many difficult and heart-wrenching moments we faced, this experience truly sweetened every aspect of our life together as a family.  Never before have we so deeply cherished and savored every single moment we are blessed with together.  When Meghan received her final round of chemo we filled the hospital room with loved ones and counted down the final moments.  We cried, laughed, cheered, sang and embraced.  The room was filled with a deeply intense joy and overflowing love that was more precious than all the vacations, holidays, and reunions we've had.  Just this month Meghan was officially declared in remission and we are looking toward the future with hope and a new appreciation for all the small and wondrous gifts and moments we are given.  We are choosing not to wait for a "most memorable family get together," but rather to make sure every day holds sweet moments and time spent cherishing one another. 

P.S.  You can read the WINNING essays here.

my mother's thanksgiving testimony...

Meghan with my mom and dad at the American Cancer Society's Relay for Life - June 2008

You will recall from my last post that my mother also gave a thanksgiving testimony at our Annual Thanksgiving Service.  I am sharing it below...

How does one even begin to put into words the thanksgiving in our hearts for the blessings of this past year?  What a year it has been!  As almost all of you know, just before Christmas last year we received the heartbreaking news that one of our beloved granddaughters had cancer.  It is rather easy to say, "Be thankful in all things."  But how does one praise God for the life-threatening illness of a deeply loved child or grandchild?  Yet we have had SO MANY occasions this past year to give God praise:  first and foremost, for the hope we have in him, for the knowledge that he is in control, and that he knows what he is doing, even when we do not understand.  Then also we gave God praise for the goodness and kindness of his people here at Harvest.  We were absolutely overwhelmed with the response of Harvest to a couple of guys (Brian Sytsma and Tim Dood) who called around and accumulated enough money to buy a van for Michael and Michele after theirs burned up.  Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.  You'll never know how much of a blessing that was.  During these past months, I have become much more acutely aware of how extremely difficult it would be to give up a beloved child or grandchild.  It served to show me in a new way what it meant for God to give up his Son--the Son whom he loved.  How could he willingly give up his own Son?  And to do it for me?  for us?  Think of what that must have meant.  It must have given Him profound pain and heart-rending anguish to see his beloved Son suffer as he did.  What amazing love!  Looking ahead, we remember Paul's words in Rom. 8:  "He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all--how will he not also along with him, graciously give us all things?" 

Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift!

thanksgiving...

We had a wonderful, moving Thanksgiving service at church last night.  It is an annual tradition at our church to meet the evening before Thanksgiving and lift our praises in song, testimony, and hearing of the Word.  Pastor Dale had an excellent meditation.  (I am hoping that it was recorded so that I can post a link here soon.)  My mother gave a beautiful testimony of thanksgiving to God and Meghan (who had previously told me she didn't want to speak in front of church) surprised us all and gave a truly moving and heartfelt testimony about what this last year has meant to her.  She spoke off the top of her head and from her heart and it was such a great testament to the work of the Holy Spirit and God's grace in her life.  Praise the Lord!!  (Unfortunately because she didn't have it written down I can't share it here with you but I am hoping that it was recorded as well.)  I also wrote a testimony that I shared during the service which I will share here...

I’m sure it is not surprising to any of you that I would choose to write a testimony of thanksgiving this year. It has been abundantly clear throughout this past year that our family has much to be thankful for. Last year at this service we sat here blissfully unaware of what was approaching.  We had no idea at that time that an aggressive, deadly cancer was growing in Meghan's arm.  One week from tomorrow (Thanksgiving Day) marks the one year anniversary of a routine doctor’s appointment that literally changed our lives. An appointment that set into motion a year of uncertainty, struggle, pain, and many tears. But also a year of numerous blessings, deep joy, abiding love, and a deeper understanding of who we are in Christ. No one wants to hear the news that your child has cancer. No one wants to see their precious child suffer or see their other children cope with things beyond their understanding. We don't claim to fully understand why our family was called to walk through this particular trial but we can testify to God’s unwavering faithfulness to us through it all. Among the many things I am grateful for this year are ...

• the fact that Meghan is sitting here with us tonight because the Lord saw fit to grant her more time on earth with us.  Her cancer is in remission and she is moving forward with much hope for the future.
• my wonderful husband of 20 years who steadfastly led us through the past year with His eyes constantly fixed on Jesus (and as a side note had an amazing ability to keep us all laughing even when our hearts were breaking).
• my children  - Meghan whose courageous and positive spirit taught me so much this past year about trusting God in the darkest of times, and Eric, Lauren, Rileigh, and Aidan who rallied around their sister and each other and in the process learned so much about selflessness and compassion.   
• our extended family, particularly our parents, who have been a great support and encouragement in word and deed.
• a gracious and generous church family here at Harvest that has enveloped us in love and support and was used by God to provide for us in incredible ways.
• the power of prayer and the amazing family of believers around the world (literally, around the world!) that lifted up prayers and petitions for us.
• the excellent medical staff and facilities we are blessed with right here in GR.
• our employers who were supportive, understanding, and flexible.            
• the many awesome children and families that we got to know and love and walk alongside up on the oncology unit.  We were given opportunities to look beyond ourselves and our circumstances and reach out to others.
• God's precious Word - what a wondrous gift that has given to us to lead and sustain us through all of life!
• the overwhelming sense of peace God granted to us.  Michael often reminded me that no matter what the outcome, Meghan would be healed.  I am grateful that for now He chose to do that here on earth but I am more grateful that through Christ not only Meghan but all of us who believe will be healed eternally.
• and the list could go on and on.  Even the small blessings of every day - the laughter, beauty, and joy in life's details that have become more cherished and recognized through this experience.

But amidst trying to put into words the gratitude I feel (which is completely overwhelming)  I have to stop and ask myself the question - what if the outcome had been different? What if the outcome in the future is different? Would I still be able to stand before you with a sincerely grateful heart?  1 Thessalonians 5:18 says, "In everything [everything!!] give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."  It is only by God's grace that we can do this.  So really at the core - that is what I am the most thankful for this year - His grace and mercy to me, a sinner.  He has shown me that in my weakness, He is strong.  In my doubt, He is faithful.  In moments of turbulence, He is peace.  Amidst uncertainty and unknowns, He is sovereign and unchanging.  How blessed we are to rest in the hands of the Almighty - to be sheltered under His wings.  And this not because of anything we have done but because of what Christ has done on our behalf!  This year my heart truly thrills to say to you, along with the psalmist in Psalm 34:3, "Glorify the Lord with me, let us exalt His name together."  

Wishing you all a blessed Thanksgiving
filled with gratitude and praise to God!